by Dr. Caron Goode 

“That's all nonviolence is—organized love.” Joan Baez

In today’s world, we are overwhelmed with conflict. In addition, children are confronted with the war and threats of terrorism daily. Violent crime in schools continues to increase to disastrous proportions. Children are at risk in their daily lives from the bullying committed by their own school mates. Columbine and other incidents of school children taking one another’s lives makes it of the utmost importance that we support our children in dealing effectively with conflict.

Conflict resolution is the term for a variety of techniques used to deal with conflicts in nonviolent ways. It is especially useful in schools as we strive to teach children to deal with one another peacefully. 
 
Take a look at the RELAX model for conflict resolution described below and then explain it to your children.  

R —Remove
E —Explain and Explore
L —Look For a Resolution
A —Assume Personal Responsibility for Your Actions
X —Cross Over to the Other Side

Remove. When conflicts occur, people are usually angry. The first step in dealing with conflict effectively is to step away from the conflict and calm down. Before you can go back into the situation with any hope for a peaceful resolution, it helps to be calm. Talk about this idea with your kids. Discuss how important it is for them to have a brief cooling-off period before trying to discuss a problem.  

Explain and Explore. When your child has cooled down, it is time to try to figure out what happened. In order to make this work, everyone should adhere to some basic ground rules:

1. Talk calmly - no raised voices or yelling.
2. No name-calling.
3. Talk as much as possible in “I-statements.” For example: “I feel really upset when...”
4. Ask the question. (Why does that bother you? How do you feel?)  

Teach your child to explore what happened from everyone’s point of view. Talk about how the situation makes people feel. At this point, it is a good idea to have one parent or adult act as a mediator, someone who can moderate and help kids understand individual perspectives.

Look for a Resolution. Now ask the question, “How can we solve this?” Let the participants in the conflict decide what they could do next time to improve the situation. What do those involved need to feel better about the existing situation? Let everyone have an opportunity to speak and share feelings and ideas for resolution.

Assume Personal Responsibility for Your Actions. In this step, everyone involved takes responsibility for what they have done. This is the time in resolving a conflict when people need to understand exactly how their actions have created this conflict. Everyone has a part in the conflict, and this is the opportunity to figure out what that is. Assuming responsibility is what makes people accountable for their actions.

X—Cross Over to the Other Side. To cross over to the other side means to see things from the other person’s point of view. This is the step for people in a conflict to have empathy for one another and see it how the other person sees it. This is also the step to ask forgiveness, to apologize, and to forgive. This is the step to shake hands or to hug, and to become friends again.

After you have read the description for the RELAX model and have explained it to your kids, ask them to use it when they have a conflict. Remind them of the acronym and see if they can remember what each letter in the word “relax” stands for in solving conflict. Use this model any- time you need to help kids solve a conflict and encourage them to remember the model for whenever they may need to use it. 

As kids become comfortable with the model, let them have a chance to be the mediator in a conflict. Supervise this action so that you can make sure they are being fair; remember to praise their attempts at peaceful conflict resolution. You may find that children are harder on themselves than you, as the adult, might be.  

More Ideas
 
Talk with tweens and teens about the war and the concept of peaceful resolution. Give them a chance to voice their opinions. Why do they think peaceful resolution works between nations? Under what circumstances do they think war is a necessity? Talk about the idea behind the United Nations. Talk about your opinions, too, and let them hear what you think.  

Encourage your children to join clubs or service organizations such as Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts where they can work with a team of children at various projects to help others.

Talk with your children about making new friends at school and inviting kids who aren’t playing with anyone to join their group.

Help your children find pen pals or write emails to armed forces stationed overseas.
 
Have a block party. Invite the neighbors on your block to bring a dish and have an outdoor buffet.

Make a point of welcoming new people to the neighborhood.

Let children have a “Bring a Friend” party where each invited guest brings a new friend.  

Caron Goode's (EdD) insights are drawn from her 15 years in private psychotherapy practice and 30 years experience in the fields of education, personal empowerment, and health and wellness. She is the author of 10 books (www.inspiredparenting.net) and the founder of the Academy for Coaching Parents, a training program for parents and professionals who wish to mentor other parents, www.acpi.biz. You can read Caron at carongoode@mac.com.

image courtesy lusi

by April McCaffery

My 10-year-old daughter (soon to be 11) was in one of her "moods." Any look or word sent her way was returned with a cry, yell or other unwelcome response.  

I asked her, without judgment, if her sister or I had done anything. "You seem really upset, honey. What's going on?"  

"I don't KNOW!" she blurted.  

What might have seemed like a non-answer to some people spoke volumes to me. I told her that I knew how she felt; that sometimes I was just in a mood, too, and didn't really know from where it came, either. I suggested she start writing in a journal to see if that would help her figure it out.  

It's so easy when they're younger; little kids let you know exactly how they're feeling just when they're feeling it. As they grow, they learn how they sometimes need to control those emotions, and sometimes learn how to stifle them altogether. The goal, however, is not "control" or denial; the goal is a healthy balance to being in tune enough to know what one needs to get past it. 

But sometimes tuning in to those feelings is difficult.  

Communication is helpful, of course, but sometimes that can come across as lecturing. Some kids are better at talking than writing, or showing them pictorially, but if kids aren't really sure what they're feeling, they may be scared that they give the "wrong" answer. And most of the time, they are feeling lots of emotions at the same time.  

What I find most astonishing, but probably the most natural thing in the world, is when my kids model my own behavior.  

The real key to helping tweens and teens tune in to their own emotions is to be in touch with your own and to be open with your kids about how you’re feeling.  

It's hard for us parents to sometimes admit what we're feeling, and it might not always be appropriate to share with our kids. There are many opportunities, however, when it is okay.  

I have no qualms telling my daughters I'm mad at myself for forgetting to set the alarm and it’s caused us to rush around. I then comment about how proud I am of all of us for stepping up our morning game to get to school on time. One of them is guaranteed to tease me about it later that evening just to be sure I set the alarm right! And I laugh at myself right along with them.  

If I'm just generally in a bad mood, I will let them know, and tell them what I'm planning to do to get myself out of it, whether it's taking a bubble bath, reading a good book, or just putting on some music to let loose for a little while.  

Music is a really good form of stress release for the entire family. It usually takes no more than a crank-of-the-volume for us to clear our heads and find our own center again. After that, we then feel good enough to truly open up the lines of communication and start talking.  

There’s often more to music than just the melody. If your child likes a particular song, listen to the lyrics. Try to identify the emotion behind the lyrics. Is it a song about loneliness, or of feeling inadequate? Is it a song about unrequited love, or is it full of dreams?  

Even if the problem is "just hormones," such a comment can feel like a dismissal to the person. Feelings, however they originate, are always real to the person experiencing them, even if they can't articulate a reason behind them. Sometimes just a simple validation will do.  

Just last night, my 10-year-old was a bundle of emotions that came from sheer exhaustion. She refused to admit she was tired, but I proceeded to kiss her good-night anyway, even as she tried to hide her face from me. All of a sudden, she threw her arm around me to hug me. She sobbed, and I told her as I embraced her, “It’s okay.” She cried, "I'm just so tired!" I held her a bit longer, and she settled in for a good night's rest.  

April McCaffery is a single, working mother of two girls in Los Angeles, CA. She is the author of It's All About Balance.